I cry a lot these days.
Sometimes over things that are clearly sad- a friend’s struggle, a negative pregnancy test. Other times over things that simply evoke a powerful emotion-a mournful song, a tender memory, a poignant movie, the sound of my son breathing as he drifts into sleep. Case in point- right now listening to a soulful song and crying in Starbucks as I type this.
This is odd and new for me. In college I was known for being the girl who never cried at even the saddest movie. I’ve always prided myself on being tough and logical. Crying in public was not something I ever imagined myself doing. So when the wave of tears sneaks up on me, I’m always taken aback. Have I changed? Has infertility made me into a weepy woman tearing up in coffee shops and grocery store lines? I don’t think so.
I think that infertility has actually uncovered the parts of my heart capable of the deepest and most meaningful feelings and experiences. I didn’t realize how deeply I had buried that part of me as I worked so hard to protect myself from the bumps and bruises of life until month after month of failure and loss started chipped away at my exterior. My layers of protection were peeled back each time my heart broke, and I haven’t had the time or strength to build them up again before the next wounding happens. My heart pulses right below the surface now. I used to think this would be the scariest place to be, and it is, but it has also given me such a rich appreciation for everything life has given me. That deep soulful tender place that cries and mourns and yearns is also the birthplace of joy. My challenge is to find a way to hold space for my grief instead of trying to push it so far beneath the surface and ignore my voice. I like how close the joys are now. I like how much more authentic I feel, and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to return my heart and soul to it’s secluded fortress. I want to let my heart live closer to life, with all messiness, joy and sorrow that comes with that.
" Pain throws your heart to the ground
”- John Mayer
”- John Mayer