Killingmesoftly-One woman's quest to survive infertility: Tales from the Other Side

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Tales from the Other Side

This summer, after three IVF cycles over a one year period with no viable embryos to transfer and my third pregnancy loss (naturally conceived), we discovered that I also had balanced translocation in addition to my age/egg quality issues. We decided that my age combined with my chromosome issue made continued IVF a very expensive gamble that we weren't willing to take. The odds were just too low, and the doctors were clear that donor egg was my only realistic option. In the months that have followed I have been working on coming to terms with letting go of a genetic connection with my next baby and embracing donor eggs, but I'm still in the grieving process and I'm not quite ready to move on. I've done some low tech IUI cycles this fall and winter, and this month we tried a medicated timed intercourse cycle. Most days telling this story of repeated failures and broken dreams would leave me in tears, but today I feel positive and optimistic. Why? It's because it's only day three of the TWW. The first four or five days are my sweet spot and I'm always pretty upbeat. I let myself feel free to believe that the cycle was a success and that I'm pregnant. The pregnancy test is far enough in the future that I know I won't have to face any evidence to contradict my belief. I'm dreaming of rainbows and riding high on hope! (week two of the TWW is a different story, but that's another post for another time).

So today, I want to showcase hope and pay tribute to some of the amazing women who have helped spark and sustain hope in me during difficult times. All of these women have been incredibly brave in sharing their moments of pain with the world in order to uplift others who are struggling. Each woman has a unique story, and has come to motherhood in a slightly different way. They have all made it to the other side of infertility, and are here to light a way for those of us still in the dark night of that path. I hope that in their stories and successes all of you are able to be inspired and find strength.

1)Meet Julia Idichova. Her story is one of conception against all odds, and she has been a strength and guide for me since the very start of my journey. Julia's story was similar to mine: advanced maternal age, low AMH, high FSH, mother of one child yearning for a second. Julia documents her struggle to conceive in her book Inconceivable: A Woman's Triumph over Despair and Statistics, where she tells of being turned away from IVF clinics because of her high FSH. Julia proceeds to explore a variety of options from IUI to surrogacy to alternative healing experiences. After making sweeping changes to her diet and lifestyle and lowering her FSH, she eventually goes to see one more specialist hoping for a better outcome. Spoiler alert: Julia was never treated by the specialist. He ordered a pregnancy test at the first appointment and she actually discovered she was pregnant naturally. Julia is now the mom of two grown girls, and the founder of the Fertile Heart community. She says that her journey was, "A pilgrimage that led me to re-claim my fertility in the most awe-inspiring way", and she wants us to be able to do the same. Her website has links to her books, visualizations, a host of success stories, and much more. Julia encourages us to trust in our intuition and to believe in the power we have within to improve our fertility.

https://www.fertileheart.com

2)The second woman I'd like to celebrate is Maya Grobel. This woman is badass. She pursued her dream of parenthood fiercely, tore down every barrier she came up against, and is now the mom of a little girl via embryo donation after a 4 1/2 year battle with the infertility beast. I recently discovered her this past week while watching the Netflix documentary One More Shot. I would recommend watching this 100 times over. Maya and her husband Noah allow us into their infertility struggle with so much vulnerability and authenticity that we come away inspired to honor our pain instead of turning from it in shame. I laughed with her, I cried with her, I hoped with her, and I rejoiced with her. In addition to her Netflix documentary she also has a blog called Don't Count your Eggs.

https://dontcountyoureggs.typepad.com/

3)Last but not least- Camille Preston. Camille's TED Talk: A Journey Through Infertility: Over Terror's Edge resonated so deeply with me. Just like most of us, she "coveted motherhood at such a cellular level". She talks about the mounting intensity of effort and energy after each failed cycle, the rising desperation, and finally, learning to surrender control. She shared how multiple failed rounds of IVF "kicked my tail and nearly broke me". She didn't break though- after 8 rounds of IVF she welcomed a child into the world. Camille's willingness to jump into the depths of longing, loss, and pain helped strengthen her sense of self and opened her up to a deeper and richer life experience. Camille is inspiration for all of us living "on terror's edge.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BBmMtVfZ4Y

Happy Sunday everyone. Have a wonderful hope filled week!!

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My story

Killing me softly. When I think about my secondary infertility journey, I think of the thousand tiny deaths my heart has endured on this path. The silent wounds I bled from just under the surface of my public face. Never enough to knock me over in one day, but rather a quiet, stealthy wave, building loss by loss, until some days, I am swept away by feelings of grief, fear, unworthiness, and hopelessness. Killing me softly.

My heart feels drawn to writing this blog as part of my journey, and I hope that some entries of this blog will uplift and inspire you. But I am in the thick of this, and many days this blog will just be an invitation for you to cry alongside of me. I can’t promise anything from this blog, other than that it will be real, raw, unfiltered. Come and be real with me, and let’s give our pain a voice and find hope together.

PART 1:

My journey began three years ago just after my wedding at age 39. I was so excited to start my family, but I knew my age might be a factor, so I went to a fertility specialist right away, just to get checked out and maybe get a few tips for faster conception.. Instead of the green light I thought I would get though, they told me that I had very few follicles left, and had diminished ovarian reserve. The likelihood that I would have my own baby was poor they explained in their sterile room in their clinical tone, and they sent me out the door with adoption information and instructions to set up an appointment for an IUI if I was determined to try with my own eggs. I cried all the way home and for the next two months until we started treatment. I was absolutely devastated, but IUI was free there, so we went ahead with it one week shy of my 40th birthday. My son is 2 ½ now, and proof that miracles happen.

PART 2:

I love kids. Seriously adore them. I started as a camp counselor in junior high, and was babysitting regularly from the time i was twelve. Children always followed me like the Pied Piper, and were drawn to me in most every setting. I was the cool aunt, the fun friend when my friends started having children. I pursued a career in education, in order to surround myself with the joy and wonder of children and have loved every minute of it. On a personal level, I always knew that I wanted a house full of the energy, chaos, and joy that several children bring. My heart yearned for it on a soul level.

So in November, five months after my baby was born I went back to the fertility clinic to prepare for another IUI. The first one had gone off without a hitch, so I figured we were just a couple who needed a tiny push to get the ball rolling. We were supposed to begin treatment on the first day of my period, but that day never came, and I discovered in January that I had become pregnant naturally. A dream! I was so excited. I started planning the nursery (woodland animals- adorable!). I picked out the cute baby onesie for my son where we would announce on Facebook that his tenure as only child was ending. When we heard the heartbeat at our first ultrasound, I finally told my coworkers and friends and I started planning a joint maternity leave with a friend who was due a few weeks after me. But at the next ultrasound those plans came to a grinding halt and the doctor tried without success to find the heartbeat. Just like that, my little one was gone. I had a D&C. I didn’t order the onesie. I avoided the questions from my coworkers about how the pregnancy was going. I grieved deeply and privately. But I knew that miscarriages happen, and I was resolved to try again when my period returned. In May when my body was finally ready I called the doctor, and they said we could try an IUI again in June when my period came. But it never came, and in early July a beta confirmed I was pregnant naturally a second time. But my beta didn’t double on schedule, and at 5 weeks I miscarried that baby. I cried more tears than I knew I had, alone in my room. My husband is a loving man, but without having heard a heartbeat, the baby wasn’t real to him the way it was to me.

The only way I could think to escape my pain was to jump down the rabbit hole of infertility treatments, so we upped our game and headed to an IVF clinic. We would make embryos and pick the healthy ones to transfer! We would beat biology! We would have our baby! But one year and three retrievals later we were unable to produce even one viable embryo. Our final hope, our treatment of last resort, had failed. My heart had risen and fallen with each new cycle, each new batch of eggs, each new possibility of life, and hope and baby fingers and toes. The rigor of medication protocols, restrictive diets, yoga, acupuncture, and endless appointments had left me broken, distanced from friends, consumed by a singular focus and shrouded by a lingering aura of sadness. IVF was expensive, but my health insurance offered two more free rounds of IUI, so we decided to exhaust that before considering our next options. We decided to start the next cycle when my period came, but… it never came. I was naturally pregnant for a third time, this time at 42. Because less than 1% of women have three or more miscarriages I was overjoyed. I had already had two miscarriages, so this pregnancy would be the one that would stick! Our unexpected miracle. Our rainbow after the storm. I would take a newborn picture of her surrounded by IVF needles. I would show her how wanted she was. I would be an inspiration for older moms wanting to conceive! My original beta was strong, and even though my numbers weren’t doubling, they were on track. The doctor’s office congratulated me! It was happening! Until… it wasn’t. My beta plateaued, and the doctor told me to wait for the miscarriage. I was nine weeks pregnant when I lost my third baby and absolutely broken.

PART 3:

Balanced Translocation. Otherwise known as BT. A previously unfamiliar term for me, that would now define my reproductive future. It meant that some of my chromosomes had swapped places and that I didn’t have complete chromosomes like everyone else. I had all the right genetic stuff, just in the wrong places. This was the diagnosis given to me as part of my recurrent miscarriage workup. It meant that giving the right amount of chromosomes to a fetus would be difficult and unlikely. Multiple miscarriages were the norm, and even though many women with BT eventually go on to have a healthy baby at some point, the BT combined with the age of my eggs meant that my chances were incredibly slim. The words of the genetic counselor rang in my ears. I tried to be funny and cool about it. Inside I was falling apart. My marriage was strained, my friendships had become distant, my hobbies, dreams, and goals had been set aside- all collateral damage of the dream I had been chasing, which now seemed improbable.

So I jumped into support groups. I joined a sisterhood of amazing women, but a sisterhood that I never wanted to be a part of. I grieved the loss of a pregnancy with my own eggs, but I was determined to be enlightened and open to all possibilities. I dove into the world of donor eggs and donor embryos and started to lose myself in the online world of third party reproduction- Frozen, fresh, local, international- website after website, email after email. I scrolled through profiles of beautiful, fertile twenty somethings. I read countless posts from donors, donor recipients, and donor egg children . I researched books to read to my little one to explain how he/she came to be. I fell deeper and deeper into the world of infertility and I rarely came up for breath. It gave me some sense of control as my world was spinning out of control. It kept me company, so I didn’t have to be alone with grief.

So that's where I am now. Unsure of what comes next. I’m committed to having another child, and to giving my son a sibling, but it turns out I’m not ready to let go of the hope of using my own eggs yet. IVF isn't a viable option for a woman my age with diminished ovarian reserve and BT, so I have a few more IUIs planned, and the websites for donor egg banks bookmarked in my browser. My journey has been long and hard, and it isn’t over yet, but know the path I am walking is filled with women just like me and I hope that we can build an invisible but strong web of support. I’m honored to be walking next to all of you, and hope to get to know you and connect with your stories and experiences along the way.