Killingmesoftly-One woman's quest to survive infertility

Killingmesoftly-One woman's quest to survive infertility

Monday, January 7, 2019

lessons from a coffee shop

There's nothing as comforting for me as a cappuccino- the smell of the beans, the warmth of the cup, the unique designs swirled onto the top.  Before trying to conceive I would regularly visit one our local mom and pop coffee shops with a book or a journal, and lose myself for a couple of hours in a state of caffeinated self-reflection.  When I started my fertility journey though, it was one of the first thing to go.  Apparently it's harmful for egg quality, and since my eggs aren't winning any awards right now, I cut it out.  I know it seems silly, but the loss of that ritual stings.   It felt like part of who I was, like it was linked somehow with my sense of self.  I often feel resentful about it, because I've given up something that brought me joy, but I haven't gotten a baby in return.  It's a bum deal.  This journey has been like that- seemingly small modifications that sometimes feel like deeper losses for me.  Just another indignity of this process.   Today though, I gave myself permission to revisit my ritual for the first time in a very long time.   I sat for hours, sipped my cappuccino, read, and journaled.  And part of my heart resurfaced for a brief moment.  It was glorious.   I think it's important sometimes, with all of our self-imposed infertility rules and regimens, to allow ourselves some moments of relative normalcy.  That way we can remember that infertility hasn't destroyed the core of who we are.  Those vibrant and beautiful parts of ourselves are still there.  Whatever the outcome of our journey, we remember that we are still there beneath the pain and disappointment.  We may emerge from this journey changed, but we WILL emerge.   Thank you for sharing this moment with me today.

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